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Khalas Viruset

HOW TO NOT GET VIRUSES ANYMORE, EVER, EVER

Ok people it's really easy
Really really easy.
Reaaaaaaaaaally easy.
in fact, an antivirus shouldn't protect you from viruses. You don't really need an antivirus. You need it only as a double-backup. The first check should be your brain. Anyway, to tell you the truth, most virus threats, your antivirus cannot protect you from them, because:
a) they are new, and they don't have been discovered yet. By the time they get added to your antivirus definition, it's too late, they are already passé de mode.
b) if you click on an infected file, there is little your antivirus can do. it can back you up, but not always.
c) I am pretty sure anti-vir companies develop viruses to fuck each other. It's unethical. I am ethical. I don't like them. Fuck antiviruses! We can do better.

So it's easy to stay away from viruses.
There is only a few guidelines to follow, and some smartness on your part to go with.
I know the smartness thingy might be lacking but hopefully this guide will make up for it.

Now, the first thing to get protected from viruses, is to understand how your computer, internet, and viruses work.
Ok plz don't click "back" just yet, I am going to make this as short and easy as can be. I'll even try to make it entertaining, by slipping a joke here and there.
Ok.

RULE #1

nothing can happen if you don't explicitely run it.
People mistakingly think computer viruses work like human viruses, meaning you just "catch" them. It's not true. A computer virus is a software, like any other software, it has to be run to work. It's just like photoshop, MSN messenger, or notepad. If you don't double-click the .exe, it doesn't launch.
So, simply: don't ever double-click anything you don't trust. Be careful: virus developpers are smart enough to disguise their software with a notepad icon, or a jpeg icon, or even a folder icon, just so that you click on it. If you don't know what it is, don't double-click it. check what the file is in the properties. If the file looks like a notepad file but the description says "executable file", hmmmm…
Another way for the viruses to disguise themselves is in webpages. A link, or an adress, or an email, might be deadly (computer-wise). So if you don't trust the destination…Don't click it!
That's the first, foremost, most important rule. It protects you of almost any virus. You don't need antivirus or anything if you just follow this. Don't click.
However, there is a few exceptions to this, that we will see later.

RULE #2

Once a virus is run, if the developper is smart or if he just follows what previous smarter virus developers have done, it will do everything to hide, including fucking your antivirus etc. So if you suspect you got a virus, just running your antivirus is NOT ENOUGH.
There is tools to circumvent the issue.
1) make a bootable rescue disk (ok this is for geeks so I will not even try to explain, search for it yourself if you want to)
2) use an internet-based antivirus (a website which is also a virus check).
http://www.kaspersky.com/kos/eng/partner/default/languages/english/check.html
http://housecall65.trendmicro.com/
Since you are checking from another PC, which is not infected, you can be assured of the results.
However, these tools will NOT remove your virus. You'll just be sure that you have a virus (or that you don't). Ok it's not really usefull, but at times you can be just relieved to know your computer is just regularly fucked (you are running windows), not infected

RULE #3

windows sucks.
Ok, I said before that a virus cannot be run unless you explicitly run it. That's true for most machines, but, not on windows.
Why?
Because windows is made of patched codes, with security holes all over. Ok I know you have a hard time imagining what a security hole is. Well it is really easy.
An simple example:
Windows asks for a webpage. You have clicked on a link, for example.
In order for windows to prepare the place where the webpage will be stored, it asks for the size of the webpage. The server (let's say "http://www.google.com) sends a size information: the page is going to weight 23kb.
windows prepares the "bed" for the webpage. It opens 23kb in its memory. Then it asks for the webpage. tralala, you are watching a webpage.
Ok that's the normal process.
Now let's see a non-normal process:
windows asks for a webpage. The server (let's say http://www.ihackyourpc.com) sends the size information…And more size information…and more, and more, until it reaches the memory limit of windows…Then sends more…the windows memory limit get overflood, and your windows security dies.
Ok if any techie comes to read this he would laugh at how much inaccurate my explanation is, but I am trying to make it simple (In fact I do not completely understand the process myself). In linux, macOS, and other Oses, there is protection for that kind of stuff. The computer just cuts the connection. On windows, you get fucked.
But windows sucks even more.
Microsoft developpers actually included, willingly, in their software, OPEN DOORS for hackers. The most important ones:

  • A messenger software, simpler than MSN, which is supposed to be used to pass info through networks. in practice, this is never used by anyone but hackers
  • Autorun: this doesn't exist on mac or linux. This has to be the stupidest microsoft invention ever. This is like opening your legs and showing your hole and closing your eyes and tying yourself real tight and then complaining how you have been raped. When you ed7ach a USB key or a CD which is infected, the virus gets AUTORUNNED. Microsoft really made life easy on hackers with this.
  • Remote Assistance: this is a part of windoz that allows administrators to repair your PC from the net, they can see your desktop as if it was theirs, etc. Nice. But instead of being a separate program that you can launch when you need it, it is an integrated part of windows that is ALWAYS ON and listens to calls AT ALL TIMES. Plus, it's protection is very weak. How stupid is that?
  • Ok there is many, many, many, many, many, many other design flaws in win, but those are the most important.

Ok, enough with the geek talk. I think you have a somewhat global view of how all of this works and what you should do and not do to protect yourself from viruses.
Now, let's get to the "interesting" part. What to do.

WHAT TO DO

by order of importance
1) HAVE A FIREWALL
a firewall monitors your connection, and asks you if you want to allow any outgoing or incoming connection. That means that even with all windows weaknesses (remote assistance and whatnot), as long as you don't allow it, it can't happen. This is the most important thing. Studies have showed that 7 seconds on the net without a firewall is enough to get 3 VIRUSES!
7 SECONDS = 3 VIRUSES. Shiiiiiit….What about a full day?
Now, don't sweat about this too much. There is an integrated firewall since XP SP2 and one in Vista. They aren't great, nor flexible, nor really good, but they do the trick. Just remember to NOT ALLOW anything you don't know when you are asked. Please people, THINK. This is the primal cause of viruses. "blablabla is asking to connect", and you just answer "allow" without really reading the text and without thinking. DONT. Know what it is. If you have doubts, google it.
If you want a better firewall, get ZoneAlarm (there is a free version, if you look really good, on their website).

2) DISABLE AUTORUN
on XP:
download tweakUI from:
http://download.microsoft.com/download/f/c/a/fca6767b-9ed9-45a6-b352-839afb2a2679/TweakUiPowertoySetup.exe
install
run
go to my computer>autoplay>types and uncheck everything

on Vista:
download tweakVI
http://dl1.totalidea.com/files/public/tweakvi-basic.exe
i don't know the exact steps, coz I don't have windows darta, but you'll figure it out on your own. Oh wait I found a webpage that explains it.
Ok apparently:
ok install tweakVI and run it
Select System Information and Tweaks from the left navigation
then Hard drive information
optimize hard drives
and then the Hide disc drives / Hard drive tweaks tab
you'll find "disable blah blah" on the bottom…disable everything.

Ok with these two softs tweakUI and tweakVI you can also faster your PC and make lots of stuff run smoother and fix lots of stuff, but see that for yourself, this is beyond the scope of this article.

3) DON'T USE INTERNET EXPLORER
I don't know what they thought when they coded IE. There is more bugs than features in this thing.
You shouldn't use it, ever, ever, ever, ever. Not for any reason, not for five minutes, not ever.
any alternative is better.
Google chrome is the most robust (doesn't bug much)
opera is the fastest and bestest
safari is kewl but meh
firefox is a bit less good than opera, but it has an invaluable extension, which leads us to

4) USE FIREFOX + NOSCRIPT
first thing you should do is download firefox and get the noscript extension (plugin).
get it there: https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/722
Noscript is really, really, annoying. It turns your firefox in a vista-like machine, where you have to enable every site before you can see it normally (however you do that only once per site).
It's reaaaaaally annoying. I am really tempted to turn it off at times.
But you shouldn't. It's the only, the ONLY, way to browse somewhat safely. Somewhat because, like for the firewall thingy, you might just allow a site that you shouldn't. So think. If a website has the youtube logo, looks like youtube, but the adress is www.youtub.com, or www.uutube.com then you should be wary. Don't laugh, it happens. For every big site, there is one, or several "phishing" sites.
There is a new type of exploit, called…Uhhhhmmmm…Can't remember. But it involves putting an invisible link ON TOP of a reliable link, so that when you click on the link, you are in fact activating the virus. and that can happen on a regular website, if it has been hacked. There is NO protection against this. None, nada. If something smells fishy, don't click it.

5) ALWAYS UPDATE
New windows "exploits" (that's the name given to any new way to hack a software, "exploit" a coding weakness) are discovered everyday. Problem is, your computer can get hacked through any other software that connects to the net (adobe update, MSN, etc) and that is "exploitable". And those hackers guys, they are so nice, each time one of them discovers an exploit, he puts it on the net and then you have thousand of little geeky guys with acnea and no girlfriends that pick up the exploit and begin using it. The countereffect, is that software companies also pick up the exploit and work as fast as possible to block it. This is specially true for every other company than microsoft (some windows exploits take months to get patched).
So all your software should always be up-to-date.
So:
– always enable "warn me when updates are available"
but:
– always disable "download automatically" because windows will download the update that checks if your copy of windows is genuine, and since it is not, your win will stop working.
Never refuse to update, never delay updates (at least not too much, tonight is okay, tomorrow night is ok, more is not ok).

6) DON'T INSTALL STUFF
or, in other words READ THE FUCKING TERMS
Many progs you download from the net install addware (programs that download adds and pop them on your desktop at random times) and spyware (progs that spy on you and send statistics). Now if the program you downloaded is a bit honest, they will ASK you if you want to install those, or at least WARN you that by installing blahblah, you will also install the super-magnificient zonga toolbar and whatnot. If that's the case, uncheck the items you don't want to install, or if it is not possible, don't install the software at all.
I know it is tempting to just click "next" and finish with it, but once again, use your brain, plzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7) HAVE AN ANTIVIRUS & A SPYWARE PROTECTION TOOL
Ok I know I said no antivirus is necessary, but frankly, at times, it can be a lifesaver. There is a couple of times when, tired after a sleepless night or just too stressed like a lemon, I clicked on a soft just to notice with horror I shouldn't…And my antivirus stopped the operation at time. If it's an old virus, it will get detected and stopped. So, have an antivirus, and ALWAYS UPDATE IT. EVERY DAY. EVERY TIME IT ASKS YOU. If you have a paying antivirus and it's licence is finished, begin hunting for a new antivirus RIGHT AWAY. and better do it from a protected computer, and cut the connection on yours.
All antivirus are kind of as good as each other, so it doesn't really matter which one you pick. I like avast, not because it's better than others, but because it isn't invasive and doesn't eat too much memory (McAfee and Norton and those kind of khara slow down your PC by achwet). Get avast here:
http://www.avast.com/eng/avast_4_home.html
Now, avast, once a year, requires a new key. DONT DISMISS THE MESSAGE. As long as you don't have a key, avast doesn't run. So get a new key. It's free. You just have to register here:
http://www.avast.com/eng/home-registration.php
So do it please. Do it before it asks you. Don't go on the net unprotected. It's like entering an orgy in a HIV specialized center without a condom. You HAVE a few chances to get out unharmed, but they are really slim.
You can also have a spyware protection tool.
This is really not necessary if you follow all the steps above, but in case you don't trust yourself, you can download and install
spybot search & destroy
http://www.spybot.com/en/mirrors/index.html
It has no use if you are ALREADY infected. You should install it and let it monitor your computer BEFORE.
Now, like firewalls, noscript, and vista, it's an annoying software that will ask you questions before allowing stuff. But that's the price to pay for protection, if you aren't suspicious enough to ask yourself.

8) PREVENT
make backups of your stuff. Eventually, even with all of these, you WILL get fucked. if it's not a virus, it's windows. So, always backup your data, on USBs, CDs, or the net, or whatever, but have a copy.

ok, and last part: what to do if, in spite of all of this, you STILL GOT A VIRUS
1) say "I am stupid" (not just once, say it over and over again)
2) ctrl-alt-delete, go to processes, and check every process there. Those are the programes currently running. If you see something you don't know (if it's your first time, you won't know any of them), google it.
in other words: when you press ctrl-alt-del, you will get a long list of "processes". These will be named "alg.exe", "spoolsv.exe" and so on. Google each name and check what it is. When you find one (if you find one) that is a virus, google on how to remove it.
3) I cannot say more, it would be too long, but usually there is detailed, easy-to-follow tutorials on how to remove every major virus. Be specific: include your OS (windows XP or windows Darta) in your search, include "how to remove", etc.

Ok whuf that was long!
To sum it up:
1) don't click anything you don't know
2) don't allow anything you don't know
3) update
4) disable autorun
5) use firefox + noscript
6) if you don't know something GOOGLE it for khessus's sake. What you think I know all of this because I was born geeky? Knowing that stuff nowadays isn't geeky anymore, it's like knowing how your car works or how to use a phone. Every one should know all of this.

So, ok, you could not figure the noscript nor the disable autorun on your own, but these are details.
The most important thing is TO THINK. computers are dumb. You are smart (or we will suppose you are). Don't expect a stupid machine to do the thinking for you.
one last tip: if you haven't disabled autorun, keeping "shift" pressed while inserting a DVD or a USB will bypass autorun. Can't remember if it works everytime, but worth a try if it's your last recourse.

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